Yesterday I wept...

I haven't wept for so long time.  But yesterday's isue really hurt me deeply.  Their words were like bullets hitting my body everywhere...I started to understand that the road ahead of me will be much tough to get through...I have to support and help by myself....

My family is a Chinese traditional family, with very strong rules and principles.  They totally disagreed that I should follow God and they protested against me severely. 

Being a Christian can be said free in China or can be very hard...the government gave people the freedom to believe, but it is the attitude deep in people's mind...like a old tree with strong and deep roots.  Very hard to change people's mind, in a sense nothing can change them.  I followed God and then I were tricked and made fun of by my classmates; I followed God and then all family members and relatives changed their view on me.  In their mind, I was no longer the "good boy". 

Just like Jesus said in Bible that it's hard for him to evangelize for his town people or neighbours.  Same things happened to me...I can understand why they objected my belief.  They also wants me the best, they just don't know the really truth.  As being people in the greatest communist country, most of Chinese are atheists.  Nowadays they still don't know what's the truth and eternal rules because they don't have time to seek for it.  They spent most of time to make money and entertain. 

In yesterday's lunch, I saw and heard their behavior and speaking.  Reputation and money meant a lot to them.  I started to be sick of this kind of gathering with some of my cousins and cousin's friends.  I prefer to get together with my friends in my hometown.  With them I felt much happier and meaningful...

My big uncle is a big guy and has a very high reputation in this big city and of course he is an atheist.  And he is also known for his humor and critics.  His criticsim was remorseless for me yesterday.  He shouted my "wrong belief" to those people, then my father joined to criticize me.  I could see the shocking and confusion on their faces, then the laughs and criticsims came to me.  I kept silent and nod to pretend that I did care what they "taught".  But gradually I felt very upset and sad...I tried to bear it, bear it...I failed finally and tears dropped out.  But I tried to avoid them seeing my weeping.

I asked for "excuse me" and then ran to bath room.  I hided in the bath room, weeping and thinking.  "What do you want me to do, my God?"  I do not know how to control my emotion.  I am not that kind of person who often wears a mask.  Living in this society can make one become hypocritical.  I just want to get out of it.

I often dreamed of developing abroad, not here.  I am eager to be a bird, flying in the wild sky...but this dream seems not be clear...

More laughs and criticsim will come to me in the future.  Even some prosecution will happen to me...well, I don't know.  Jesus said when we are prosecuted by others, the righteous men had been prosecuted in the old days.

God, tell me what would you want me to do now.  I'm hunger for your words and your grace...save me, Lord.

I love you and will alwayss follow you, father in heaven...